Good, but not Great, Laws for only $0.50
Are you tired of the never-ending political gridlock? Frustrated by legislative debates that go nowhere? Well, we at Danger Boat Productions have a solution: The Law Machine—a revolutionary device that dispenses fresh, exciting laws at the push of a button. No lobbyists. No filibusters. Just pure, unfiltered governance.
We recently brought this bold idea to Almanac on Twin Cities PBS, where we demonstrated how simple, efficient, and completely ridiculous lawmaking could be. With just a couple of quarters, The Law Machine generated groundbreaking policies, such as:
✅ Oscar nominees spending 3+ hours in Minnesota are now legally Minnesotan
✅ Trees get Arbor Day off from producing oxygen
✅ Local government funding will now be decided by Gladiatorial Combat
Okay, maybe it’s not quite ready for prime time. But in an era of complicated politics, sometimes satire is the best way to make sense of it all.
TRANSCRIPT
Tane Danger:
My fellow citizens. Aren't you tired of the unending mess at the capitol? Partisan bickering, complicated court challenges. Time and again. Our human lawmakers leave us wondering what are they even doing up there? Don't you wish there were a better way? A means of getting the new laws we all crave, but dispensed without the mortal drama that just mucks everything up. Well, behold the law machine from Danger Boat Production’s law machine.
Fred Cheng:
Law Machine? How does it work?
Tane Danger:
Oh, my friend. This marvel of the mechanical age makes lawmaking so simple. Even a child could do it. No lobbyist required. Just a couple of quarters is all you need. You simply put some money in and a new rule about how to live your life comes out just like regular government.
Fred Cheng:
This one says, any person nominated for an Oscar, Emmy, or Tony who spends more than three hours in Minnesota may be legally deemed Minnesotan.
Tane Danger:
You see, that's basically already the rule. The law machine just made it official.
Fred Cheng:
Arbor Day is a legally recognized holiday for all trees in the state of Minnesota, and they are thereby not required to produce any oxygen for those 24 hours.
Tane Danger:
You see, trees don't vote. So who was going to stand up for the trees? In our current process, the law machine isn't swayed by political winds. It just spits out the statutes. No fear, no favor.
Fred Cheng:
Some of these laws seem a little impractical.
Tane Danger:
Hey, now you listen. The law machine just gave you a two count 'em, two great laws in a matter of minutes. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make good, thoughtful laws congruent with all the other statutes on the books? Why? If you wanted legislating like that, you'd need, I don't know, hundreds, perhaps thousands of selfless individuals in government. You'd need a whole office of people who do nothing but read and revise statutes and try to ensure the work works within a broader set of laws. Already on the books. You need a whole government working to try and make the rules all aimed at serving the common good. I mean, who's impractical?
Fred Cheng:
Now, this one says, going forward, local government aid shall be distributed through Gladiatorial Combat.
Tane Danger:
Well mayors, you'd better report to US Bank Stadium on the double if you're hoping to make some lawful expenditures this year.